The Situational Paradox (Diary of a Lunatic #4)

There is something enigmatically beautiful about being in a place you’ve never been before, especially if you’re going to have to call it home for an indefinite but hopefully short period of time. You leave your own home with a concoction of anxiety of what is to come, and exhilaration for the endless possibilities you picture yourselves in at night just before going to sleep.

So you start your journey into the unknown with a bag full of clothes and a head hung over a cocktail of dreams, anxieties, and apprehensions. You take your first steps with a heart wide open and a naivete tight shut into a city which you know will teach you, break you, and build you up all over again. And then you fly. And then you stumble and fall. But you’ve done this before, you know what to do. So you pick yourself up, dust the dirt off of your new clothes which your mom so fondly got for you, and you keep walking, telling yourself that you’re a grown up now, that you will be fine. Of course you will. You just didn’t know that it would be this hard, that you’d still have trouble composing yourself despite of everything you are and after everything you’ve been through. But you do, of course you do. You’re strong. You have to be.

So you keep walking. Your knees are bleeding and your palms are bruised from catching your fall, but right now, at this very moment, you’re thankful for being able to hold it together. Everything here is strange, but you are doing fine. You are new here but you are fine. It’s going to be okay. You are even proud of yourself, you picked yourself up all on your own. You are a superhero.

Hours pass and then the sun sets on your day. You’re tired, sad, apprehensive, miserable, but you’re now a day older in this city, a day closer to your home, a day closer to your heart, to your destiny. And its not all that bad. You spent the day with your eyes wide open and didn’t you see that this place is beautiful? And think of your room, its got huge windows with those fancy curtains, and its clean.You’re doing good. You look around at the people, and oh no, not again! All you see everywhere are faces of strangers. Some of them look right through you, you’re invisible, a ghost. But some of them look you up and down with a frown on their face. They know. They know that you don’t belong here, you’re an outsider. But hey, that bunch right there, they look like you. You’re going to be fine. You got back up.

You are sitting in your room, feeling good about the cool breeze that’s flowing through the curtains. But you’re bruised and alone. But what’s so wrong about this? Haven’t you always enjoyed your own company? This is what you wanted. Right? Ah, you know what’s wrong. You just never imagined that it would be this lonely.

Suddenly, the room with the good curtains is not good anymore. The curtains are now still and you can’t breathe. Your vision blurs and you feel drops of moisture making their way down your parched face. And for the first time since being here, you’re thankful that you’re alone. Ha! Life has its own way of playing with you. You’ll always be one step behind, always too busy catching your breath to figure how it works.

Now what? You can’t just sit here being miserable. No one’s here to take care of you. So you wipe your tears, you look into the slightly stained mirror to give yourself a check. You look like crap, but you’re okay. Yes, you are. You’re fine, you will be. And then you grab your phone and go out.

An hour later, maybe two, your eyes are drenched, your throat is sore, but your heart is doing fine. For the first time today, you are fine. Haha, life again, you sneaky monster. You chance a look upon the night sky and you stand and stare. And you keep standing there and you keep looking, nothing was ever more beautiful, you’ve never experienced this epiphany before, because for the first time here, it feels like home.


3 thoughts on “The Situational Paradox (Diary of a Lunatic #4)

  1. Beautiful i like the transitions from lonely and parched to revival of the heart again its like emotions pouring out heavily, as you said fight the battle alone with hope and possibilism. wishing you a wonderful time ahead in new town.

  2. how do you​ place the events one after another in this way!!.How come it covers everything that happens to people who come to start at new place. May be its your own experience 🙂 ,but i would say you have convinced the child “heart” to accept the challenges. Its only in the beginning that people figure out things about new place(the curtain),new faces(which you sometimes relate to people from past and soon realise you are in new city,that is not possible). everything that is described is innocent. And i would add ,the best thing about life is this “uncertainty”. It makes you apprehensive but it makes you bold. i really liked it:)

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